I Am The Bearer of A Terrible Secret

Bigshankhank · Post by **Bigshankhank** » Mon May 05, 2014 5:33 pm

Despite the enticing nature of that title, I can assure you this is not a pleasant topic. It involves discovering the sexual nature of our children as they age. There is no resolution nor absolution to be found here, simply a vent for something I need to release upon someone. You have been warned...

When I came home this evening, my 18 year old son had left for work and thus was gone. I noticed the fan in the upstairs bathroom was on, as he has typically showers before work and has a bad habit of not turning it off. So I tromp upstairs, swing into the bathroom and discover, lying there on the floor of the shower, a "masturbatory aid". Specifically an artificial butt, female as it were as I noticed both holes were present. I shut off the fan and backed out of the bathroom closing the door as I left. Literally walked backwards out of the room. Last year two men jumped me at work with pistols drawn and I turned my back to them to flee, yet I dared not turn my back to this (that's a story for another time).
Now, lest you get the wrong impression of me, I am no prude and when I gave the Talk to my son at age 13 I was very upfront about self abuse and encouraged him to engage freely yet with discretion of course. When my wife attempted to confront him about his long showers, I turned her mind to other things. I realize that he has engaged in sexual congress with a previous girlfriend, and yet again I was upfront about his need to protect himself, but to do so without shame or guilt. In short, I have tried to teach my children to enjoy sex to its fullest. But this, oh man it is honestly haunting me. Needless to say I cannot bring it up to Mom, nor could I pick it up and move it out of sight. It is all I can do to keep the image of it lying there on the floor out of my mind, doG help me if my mind strays to an image of its use. I love my son and I am not judging him, heaven knows some of the deviant shit I got up to when I was young and single and chasing ass but I am seriously creeped the fuck out right now.

<<shudder>>

motorpsycho67 · Post by **motorpsycho67** » Mon May 05, 2014 6:27 pm

Post by **DerGolgo** » Mon May 05, 2014 11:49 pm

Now, there's an interesting conundrum. If you just leave it there, and he comes back from work and finds it and realizes you, or worse, his mom, probably saw it ... that cracking noise, it'll be his head imploding.

guitargeek · Post by **guitargeek** » Tue May 06, 2014 1:25 am

You're just jealous...

Pintgudge · Post by **Pintgudge** » Tue May 06, 2014 3:32 am

You gave him the talk at 13 and emphasized discretion. He has failed at discretion, so it's mom's turn.

There's nothing like a mom's hairy eyeball to make a young man's face turn red.

Jaeger · Post by **Jaeger** » Tue May 06, 2014 7:01 am

Yeeeeah... not looking forward to that particular portion of parenthood. Thankfully I can live in denial for at least another decade.

Sounds like his real failure is just a lack of discretion. Put a note on it saying "clean your shit up, son."

He's 18. Remember when you were 18? Better he's banging some Rubber Betty Butt than knocking up the chick down the street.

--Jaeger

Bigshankhank · Post by **Bigshankhank** » Tue May 06, 2014 7:25 am

Jaeger wrote:
:

He's 18. Remember when you were 18? Better he's banging some Rubber Betty Butt than knocking up the chick down the street.

--Jaeger

No fucking doubt. Btw, thanks for giving it a name, you're a real pal.

Post by **DerGolgo** » Tue May 06, 2014 10:53 am

Maybe try and teach him the better part of discretion while letting him keep his face.
"Ey, son! You left your damn seat cushion thing in the bathroom! Why can't you shower like a man, standing up? Those things are for old people!"

If it's just conceivable that it might remind someone, at a casual glance, of a waterproof cushion of some sort, and you play it right, he'll get the message to be double-plus careful in future while telling himself his pa is clueless enough not to know what that thing is, or didn't look closely, or there are unicorns in the pantry! Everyone gets to keep their face while, at the same time, the matter is addressed as thoroughly as it must be. I find the mere opportunity to self-delude is, sometimes, enough to distract people from uncomfortable truths.

Bigshankhank · Post by **Bigshankhank** » Tue May 06, 2014 12:21 pm

I disagree with any sort of confrontation here, deluded or maternal or otherwise. Best to live with the ruins of one's favorite pub, than to shame the arsonist into burning down the entire village. Or something like that.
Surprised nobody found this before I did.
[media]http://youtu.be/b1QAsPLNDVc[/media]

calamari kid · Post by **calamari kid** » Tue May 06, 2014 1:59 pm

Just leave a note on the bathroom door. "You left the fan on again." I'm assuming you left the...device...where it lay. (I sure as hell wouldn't want to touch it) He'll most likely realize you had to have seen it, and will probably be a bit more diligent about putting away his toys in the future.

Sisyphus · Post by **Sisyphus** » Tue May 06, 2014 3:07 pm

Wow. Man, I sure could have used one of those at that age. Better than a knot hole in the fence. Kids these days have it made.

Drift · Post by **Drift** » Tue May 06, 2014 3:30 pm

When it comes to wankery and all things sex oriented, there's not much I can't just shrug off. We're all animals. However, I will agree that putting away one's toys is important, especially if you live with your mum and pop. Wouldn't want to kill them with a heart attack or stroke of some sort.

guitargeek · Post by **guitargeek** » Tue May 06, 2014 4:58 pm

It may still be terrible, but it's not such a secret at this point. Not even really all that terrible...

Zim · Post by **Zim** » Wed May 07, 2014 10:13 am

[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NMyTNa3dzU[/media]

guitargeek · Post by **guitargeek** » Wed May 07, 2014 2:12 pm

guitargeek wrote:It may still be terrible, but it's not such a secret at this point. Not even really all that terrible...

Also, you've made us the bearers of this not-so-terrible non-secret.

Bigshankhank · Post by **Bigshankhank** » Wed May 07, 2014 4:30 pm

guitargeek wrote:
guitargeek wrote:It may still be terrible, but it's not such a secret at this point. Not even really all that terrible...
Also, you've made us the bearers of this not-so-terrible non-secret.

That was the point, I had to remove this from my psyche. I certainly don't want to introduce Mom to this.
And again, I agree it's not so terrible, I encouraged my kids to take care of their needs as necessary without shame, but just as our parents didn't want to find our porn stash, I as a parent don't want to find the instruments of my children's indulgences.

guitargeek · Post by **guitargeek** » Thu May 08, 2014 5:06 am

Fair enough, I suppose. I just hope your youngun never reads this page... or if he does, that he has a well developed, ribald sense of humor!

wyckedsin · Post by **wyckedsin** » Fri May 09, 2014 3:16 pm

Sisyphus wrote:Wow. Man, I sure could have used one of those at that age. Better than a knot hole in the fence. Kids these days have it made.

The knot hole in my fence had a rather frisky redhead Scottish girl on the other side of it.

Rench · Post by **Rench** » Sun May 11, 2014 12:42 pm

I can't find the youtube clip, but the venerable Chris Rock had this one nailed. Something to the effect of men are like Batman with their pornography, it is hidden away, codes, passwords, secret levers, a whole room in the house their family doesn't even know existed. So how do we get caught? You leave it in the DVD player when you're done...

-Rench

Sisyphus · Post by **Sisyphus** » Sun May 11, 2014 4:40 pm

I honestly have no idea how I survived before the internet.

Bo_9 · Post by **Bo_9** » Mon May 12, 2014 6:01 am

wyckedsin wrote:
Sisyphus wrote:Wow. Man, I sure could have used one of those at that age. Better than a knot hole in the fence. Kids these days have it made.
The knot hole in my fence had a rather frisky redhead Scottish girl on the other side of it.

calamari kid · Post by **calamari kid** » Mon May 12, 2014 8:31 am

wyckedsin · Post by **wyckedsin** » Mon May 12, 2014 2:16 pm

At least it isn't Carrottop

Mk3 · Post by **Mk3** » Tue May 13, 2014 11:02 am

Oh that is fantastic. Given your intro I thought there was going to be a condom on the plunger handle and sticky rubber gloves, or some dude passed out used in the tub...this is nothing.

Email him an add for real doll.

https://www.realdoll.com/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

GOSTAZ · Post by **GOSTAZ** » Tue May 20, 2014 9:47 am

Turn the fan off, find your old 8 track player, the old Doors album, and just leave "Back Door Man" blasting on a loop. He should get the idea. Totally tongue in cheek. I totally get your ooginess in confronting kinda blatant evidence of our children's sexuality. In this case? While it ain't your cuppa? He is playing with a toy. No big deal. You might politely mention that things left in the bathroom get turned into lost and found...

I have a 17 and a 20 year old. I tried to be frank with them about sexuality, and that AIN'T easy, but I would rather be uncomfortable for 5 or 10 mins than to have a kid make a stupid choice because of bad information or no information...

Go for a ride... It helps with the whole "flesh crawling" thing

guitargeek · Post by **guitargeek** » Thu May 29, 2014 10:48 am

GOSTAZ wrote:Totally tongue in cheek.

No, that's something else.

tucko · Post by **tucko** » Sun Jun 01, 2014 3:13 pm

Oh Lord almighty....My son is 12. I remember being on the floor of my bedroom, ears deep into the Y, when the door opened. I looked up between 2 heaving breasts to see my dad's face, as he backed away, shutting the door behind him. I guess it's just part of the deal......

Zim · Post by **Zim** » Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:42 pm

I should get a counselor on retainer now.

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