1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
From this day forward you may all now refer too me as Blind Pineapple Buchanan
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Because the board got shutdown again because of a load of database, I had to fettle with the settings again.
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All I can do it button the hatches, and tighten up a few things. Such as time limits on how long you may take to compose a post and hit Debauch! As of 24/01/10, I've set that at 30 minutes for now.
To restrict further overloads, any unregistered users had to be locked out.
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How to sing the blues
-
lifeon2
- Magnum Jihad
- Contact:
How to sing the blues
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive
If your gonna be dumb you gotta be tough
If your gonna be dumb you gotta be tough
-
schotzy
- Maltov Rattlecan
- Location: Phoenix, currently
- Contact:
-
Ames
- Megachiroptera Übermench
- Location: Denver, CO in MY OWN DAMN HOUSE!
- Contact:
I submit, for your amusement, the beginnings of "The Volvo Blues"
It could happen...My wife bought a Volvo and it cost her a ton
My wife bought a Volvo and now it don't run
My wife bought a Volvo and she blames it on me
Because I'm not competent mech-an-ical-ly
Cheers,
Ames.
Whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you...stranger!
Quid Ita Serius?
You never know how much you appreciate your civil liberties until they've been violated.
Ames.
Whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you...stranger!
Quid Ita Serius?
You never know how much you appreciate your civil liberties until they've been violated.
-
lifeon2
- Magnum Jihad
- Contact:
-
Vance
- Magnum Jihad
- Location: Denver-Metro Area, Colorado
- Contact:
Hey man... with the right harp & twang guit-ar in the back behind those lines... even a Volvo could go blues!lifeon2 wrote:Ames please refer to rule #5
Rock on Big Daddy Ames!
With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied – chains us all, irrevocably."
- 2001 Aprilia RSV Mille R
- 2001 Aprilia RSV Mille R
-
lifeon2
- Magnum Jihad
- Contact:
-
Ames
- Megachiroptera Übermench
- Location: Denver, CO in MY OWN DAMN HOUSE!
- Contact:
-
The Shifty Jesus
- Extra Crispy Compliance Officer
-
Photo
- Bacon Torpedo
- Location: Aurora, CO
ROTFLMFAO! Great stuff. One name that doesn't sound right by those rules is, "Lame Kiwi Buchanan" - but ya'd never know, 'cause you got the blues. I think bad/funky body parts and bad habits can be used as substitutes for bad fruit, i.e. "Gatemouth Brown" and "Drop-thumb Willie". Considering my penchant for bike maintenance gone-wrong, I'd like to go by the handle "Strip-thread Williams". Does that sound bluesy 
"Brought to you, by Carl's Jr."
-
Beemer Dan
- Dark Poohbah
- Location: Oregon
- Contact:
-
Ames
- Megachiroptera Übermench
- Location: Denver, CO in MY OWN DAMN HOUSE!
- Contact:
-
Thumper
- Magnum Jihad
- Location: B right on!!
- Contact:
I'm sorry I just can't....I aints even close ta havin' da blues. You are to address me by my goddamn rock solid ghetto shiznit moniker,STIM-U-L8 JONES.........the shoe fits, I'm gonna wear it......
So this is where I'm supposed to put a witty or profound statement. I'll work on that
-Motorcycle - List of accessories that proves my commitment to said motorcycle
-Motorcycle - List of accessories that proves my commitment to said motorcycle
-
DerGolgo
- Zaphod's Zeitgeist
- Location: Potato
As I used to sing:
Call me Fat Banana Adams if you want a translation of that.Ich hab den Blues im Fuss!
Ich hab den Blues im Fuss!
Der Daniel kann den Takt nicht halten!
Und ich hab noch den Blues im Fuss!
If there were absolutely anything to be afraid of, don't you think I would have worn pants?
I said I have a big stick.
I said I have a big stick.