Craigslist Awesomeness

[wheezy e]

He never called me back. I'm tempted to call again and remind him his ad also calls for "NO BULLSHITTERS" - bullshitters include people who place and keep up ads asking for calls yet won't return the calls.

[Rabbit_Fighter]

He never called me back. I'm tempted to call again and remind him his ad also calls for "NO BULLSHITTERS" - bullshitters include people who place and keep up ads asking for calls yet won't return the calls.

I would be so tempted to show up with a Jewish friend.

"Who that, you ask? Why that's Mr. Horowitz . . . .he's here to help me negotiate the price!"

[thrasherbill]

Didn't take long to get 2 scammers with the same story replying to my Buellpocolypse ad!

Scammer #1:
Thanks for the mail, I'm seriously interested in buying this for my son and am okay with your selling price, I'm a boatswain and currently offshore i really want this as a surprise gift for my son so i won't let him know anything about this until it get delivered to him and I will like to know why you are selling this item and i will like to know the condition of the item. You can mail me back with your PayPal email address so i can make the payment to you right now and if you don't have an account with PayPal you can set up an account today as it's secured and reliable visit their website on www.paypal.com... i will be responsible for the payment fees/charges on this transaction. Do not worry about shipping or picking up as my pick up agent will come and pick it up from you once have made the payment to you and i will also need your full Name,address and phone number.

Looking forward to read back from you asap...

Regards.


Scammer #2:
Thank you for getting back to me.Can you assure me that it's in
good state and that i will not be disappointed with it.I'm ready to
pay your asking price and to be honest, i wanted to buy this for my
son, but the issue is i am an oceanographer and i do have a contract
to go for which starts today and am leaving any moment from now.The
contract is strictly no call due to the lack of reception on the sea
area. But I'm able to access email anytime as we will make use of
laptop so my only quickest payment option is PayPal as i can send
money via PayPal anytime.Since I'm requesting this transaction to be
done via PayPal, i will be responsible for all the paypal fee/charges
on this transaction and if you don't have an account with paypal, its
pretty easy, safe and secured to open one. Just log on to
www.paypal.com. I hope we can make the purchase as fast as possible? I
have a mover that will come for it once payment clears and they will
take care of very necessary paper for me. So i look forward to hear
from you soon.

Many Thanks



So I replied to both of them:

Hi Frank, unfortunately you just missed this Item. I sold the Item to Steve Lambert (precans@gmail.com). Steve Lambert is also offshore so maybe you could contact Steve and you could share the item. Or have unlubricated butt sex.



no response from either of them yet.

[goose]

should have informed them that he also has a set of golf clubs and a Clam-Slammer 2000 that he may be willing to part with or at least, loan out for fun and profit!

[Sisyphus]

Huh. I was a boatswain once. I bet he doesn't even know what that is.

[Beemer Dan]

Hmmm.... why is down always the direction for jewing? As a sort-of jew myself I've always wondered this. I'm not a religious jew, I don't even believe in gods of any kind and only celebrate the holidays with good food. But people keep saying that because my mother was a jew I have no choice. I guess I fall into the Carlton category:



I guess you could say I'm jew-ish. Not to be confused with all the christianish or atheistish or agnosticishoshb'gosh folx out there. Hmm... is an agnostic jew someone who feels they are being punished by a supernatural power, they just don't know who?

Anyhu, I want to learn the art of jewing someone sideways!

Oh, and Manischewitz fucking rocks! Screw all the haters, they drink the juice out of the gefilte fish jar!

[calamari kid]

...The
contract is strictly no call due to the lack of reception on the sea
area. But I'm able to access email anytime as we will make use of
laptop...

Someone needs to tell this guy about VoIP.

[DerGolgo]

is an agnostic jew someone who feels they are being punished by a supernatural power, they just don't know who?

If you asked that question in a Woody Allen movie (who taught me most of what I know about Jewish customs and culture), the answer would probably be "No, he knows who, he's just haggling."

This occurred to me a few minutes ago and I still feel dirty and ashamed. Bad German!

[12ci]

Time to drag out this old chestnut. Its kind of long, but it is my personal favorite scam story ever.

The set-up:
In November 2003 a 64 GL and a 55 Fenderlight popped up on eBay, both with Buy It Now prices of about a thousand bucks (!) AND free shipping. Matt O'Manurdum immediately recognized both scoots from the Scooterworks website where they were for sale at a substantially higher price. The auctions were restricted, meaning you had to e-mail the seller first to be put on a pre-approved list before you could bid. The location of the scoots was listed as "Christmas Gift USA". Matt thought that maybe in the midst of a spastic promotional Santa Frenzy, the boss at Scooterworks had lost his/her last marble and was basically GIVING these babies away, or this was a scam. Matt thought WTF, he might as well at least check into the GL...

Note: Both auctions were cancelled by eBay within two hours of being posted and an "Invalid Item" page replaced the auctions. eBay's response to my e-mail as to why said essentially that some poor schmoe (redtag501) had fallen victim to an e-mail scam and had handed over their eBay password to some naughty people. Matt's first e-mail to "Jennifer" (notice how "she" fucks up and signs one "Sarah") was sent before the auctions were cancelled. The following is a VERBATIM transcript of his little exchange over the next few days. And for all of his trouble Matt is a dollar richer...
___________________________________________________________

Question from: matty0
Title of item: 1964 Vespa GL
Seller: redtag501
Starts: Nov-17-03 14:13:49 PST
Ends: Nov-24-03 14:13:49 PST
Price: Starts at $100.00
To view the item, go to:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?Vi" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; ... 2443760620

From: Matt O'Manurdum
Hi there, I have seen these exact pictures of this exact bike on the scooterworks.com website, are you affiliated with them? I would also like to know about your shipping method.
Thank you,
Matt O
_____________________________________________________________

From: Jennifer Peters

Dear Matt,
My name is Jennifer and I am glad that you are interested in my scooter and I hope that we can close this deal. The scooter is in a perfect condition, always stored inside the garage, and kept out of the sun and rain. The price that I will sell it now is $1000. I will support the shipment via FedEx or DHL and you will receive the scooter in 3-4 days tops. I prefer that the payment will be done throw a bank deposit or money order. If we will use money order we will be able to close this deal in 4 days maximum and I will ship you the scooter the same day that the payment has been done. After you receive the package you will have 2 weeks to inspect the scooter and if are unsatisfied you can send it back and I will give you a full refound.I will wait your mail asap.
Thanks,
Jennifer
______________________________________________________________

From: Matt O'Manurdum

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for your reply!

Right now I am ONLY interested in Vespas that came with the "Johnson rod
connection chain drive" option. This was a factory option only offered in
1964 as part of Vespa's 175th anniversary "Viva El Duce" performance
package.

Does your 64 GL have this option? Some don't because it was expensive back then and with America in the middle of The Great Depression in '64 alot of people couldn't afford it. But like I said I am ONLY interested in a Vespa with this option. If is does not have it I wouldn't be caught dead riding one of those things. People say that on the ones that don't have the "Johnson rod connection chain drive" the GL stands for "Giant Loser" and then they kick you in the 'nads. But If it does have this option, please tell me so and it will make me giddy and ready to spend all of my money.

And don't forget to send your bank info for money wire transfers.

Thank you,
Matt
____________________________________________________________________

From: Jennifer Peters

Dear Matt,
Thank you for your e-mail. The scooter is in Amsterdam with me. As I told you in my first e-mail I will support the shipment and insurance taxes. I will pay for all the shipping, you will only have to pay the taxes for the payment. I would prefer a wire transfer through Western Union for payment. I will wait your mail with the payment confirmation from Western Union and after I check at http://www.westernunion.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; and everything is OK I will contact the shipping company to come and pick up the rail. Please send me your full name and address so that I can prepare the package for you. I will send you the package as a gift so that you won't have to pay for the VAT taxes and everything else and I apriciate if you could do the same for me and when you deposit the founds at Western Union tell them that you are sending the money to a cosin or something like that because if you tell them that you are buying something over the internet I will have to pay a 5% tax. Here is my address that you will need at Western Union:
Jennifer Peters
Kalkmarkt 1
1011BC Amsterdam
Netherlands.

Please let me know if you are interested or not because there are other persons interested and I want to know what I have to do. I wait your e-mail asap.
Thanks,
Jennifer
_______________________________________________________________

From: Matt O'Manurdum

Hi Jennifer,

Like I said in my last email I will only buy if it has the Johnson rod connection chain drive option. If it does have it I will pay more than all of the other people interested. I have searched for this bike for many years and have saved alot of money for it, but only for a 1964 GL with the the Johnson rod connection chain drive option, so does it have it??? One more thing, does it have 16" wheels? otherwise known as "Pizza Wheels"? This doesn't matter as much to me as the the Johnson rod connection chain drive option because I can modify it or "grease wheel it with the big pepperoni" as the mods say. But like I said, does it have the the Johnson rod connection chain drive option, YES OR NO?
Thanks,
Matt

_________________________________________________________________
From: Jennifer Peters

Thank you for your e-mail. The scooter has the Johnson rod connection chain drive option and I am happy to let you know that it alsou has 16" wheels. As soon as I have the payment confirmation from you I will contact the shipping company to come and pick up the package and send it to you. Please send me your address so that I can prepare the package. I will wait your e-mail as soon as possible.
Thanks,
Sarah
_____________________________________________________________

From: Matt O'Manurdum

Hi Jennifer,

At last I have found my dream bike. I have to send a money order to you because the nearest Western union office to me is in Carson City which is very far and my truck is not working. So tell me where to send it and it will be in the mail today!

One more question: is the johnson rod the 6 inch or the 12 inch? Many people say that the 6 is adequate but for my money the 12 gives a better ride.

Thanks,
Matt
_________________________________________________________________

From: Jennifer Peters

Dear Matt, Thank you for your e-mail. I am glad that we can close this deal. The Johnson is 12 inch and I agree with you this is better them the 6 inch. You can pay me now at http://www.westernunion.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; with your credit card and as soon as I have the payment confirmation I will call the shipping company to come and pick up the package. Please don't forget the favor that I asked you and I will wait your e-mail as soon as possible.
Best regards
______________________________________________________________

From: Matt O'Manurdum

Hi Jennifer,
It sounds like you have some riding experience on the 12 inch johnson rod. I have heard that this is the best size but I have never ridden one. What's it like? some say it can be a bit of a rough ride and I've actually heard of people getting hurt by it, but they always hop right back on!

Now as far as the payment, I don't have a credit card anymore. I had them all canceled because of all the identity theft that's going on these days. Someone from Jamaica just cleaned out my brother's bank account. He's kind of dumb and got tricked into a marijuana pyramid scheme. So I have to either send you a money order or cash in one of those security envelopes. You decide, but I'd rather send the money order because cash can be stolen!
Thanks,
Matt
__________________________________________________________________

From: Jennifer Peters

Dear Matt,
Thank you for your e-mail. Rough ride?? I don't think so but maybe I just got used to it and that's way I don't consider it rough and I have never got hurt. I would prefer to use Western Union services because they are the fastest and I will send you the package the same day that you deposit the money. Could you please tell me what is a marijuana pyramid scheme ? I hope that we will close this deal together.
Best regards,
Jennifer
__________________________________________________________________

From: Matt O'Manurdum

Hi Jennifer,

Well, I guess some people can take the 12" johnson, some can't. Some people are frightened by the mere sight of one and then some can't wait to jump on and bury the throttle. It's all a preference thing. Sounds like you will never bother with a piddly 6" again, you old pro, you. I have seen 14" and 16" johnsons in some movies that my dad has and you would have to be a psycho to get on one of those things...

A marajuana pyramid scheme works just like any other pyramid scheme like Avon where you recruit 5 people to sell stuff for you but they have to buy it from you first and then they each recruit 5 people to sell the same stuff and they have to pay for it first and so on. It looks like a giant pyramid on paper becase you have one guy at the top, five guys under him, 25 guys under them, 125 guys under them and so on. The thing is that each time the stuff goes down another level it goes up in price and the recruits never realize that they are actually the customers and not the sales people, with each level paying more and more. My brother paid $3000 for what amounted to an ounce of oregano and then he tried to recruit me to sell it for 3500!!

Nooooo way, bro, I'm not that dumb. So if a Jamaican guy named Lee scratch Perry asks you into one these schemes, do yourself a favor and say no thanks. Like I said, the nearest western union is too far away, I have to mail it to you.

Thanks,
Carl
___________________________________________________________________

From: Jennifer Peters

Dear Matt,
Thank you for your e-mail. I am sory but the only way that I can close this deal is by Western union and FedEx or DHL services, please let me know if we will close this deal because I have to know, I have other buyers that are ready to buy but I told them that I have a deal with someone and that someone is you. Please let me know if we will close this deal because I have to know what to tell the other buyers. I will wait your e-mail as soon as possible.
Best regards,
Jennifer
______________________________________________________________

From: Matt O'Manurdum

Hey Jennifer,
Well I thought about it and I still want, no, must have this machine. I'll get to western union in Carson City tomorrow. My mom and sister are going there tomorrow for a weekly Brazilian wax, whatever that is. I'll tag along with them. We live in a very remote part of Nevada and have to take a train and two busses to get to the city this takes about five hours but for my dream bike I would do anything.

I was also thinking do you still have the '55 Fenderlight 125 for sale? Because I think I want to buy that one, too. I can't really afford it but I know where to get the money. My Grandmother gave me $1000 to pick up her incontinence medicine from the doctor in Carson tomorrow. I was thinking that I could keep the money and put aspirin in the old bottle, She would never know. That stuff doesn't work anyway, believe you me. When I think of all the clean up I've had to do, I deserve that money, damn it. Yeah, if that baby is still for sale I'll take it!!!

Just one question about the '55 fenderlight, Is the engine a slant six or is it the fabled Hemi Tripower? I really hope that it's the Hemi.

Thanks,
Matt

__________________________________________________________________-
From: Jennifer Peters

Dear Matt,
Thank you for your e-mail. I still have the '55 Fenderlight for sale and If you are interested in buying both I will make you you a a $150 discount so the total amount that you will have to send me is $2050. I am glad that we can close this deal and I am shore that my "baby" will be in good hands. I will wait your e-mail tomorrow with the payment confirmation and after I check it at http://www.westernunion.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; and everything is OK I will contact the shipping company to come and pick up the packages and send it to you. Please don't forget what I asked you, as I told you I will ship the packages as a gift to a friend and I would really appreciate if you could do the same thing for me. I will wait your e-mail with the payment confirmation tomorrow.
Best regards,
Jennifer
___________________________________________________________________

From: Matt O'Manurdum

Hi Jennifer,
Whew, what a day! I had to get up at 5:00 this morning to catch the train into Carson City. After two trains and four busses I finally made it back home sweet home. I hope you don't think I'm a bad person for what I did by taking my grandma's medicine money to buy the other scooter. I did buy a new coal shovel up in Carson to deal with the extra mess. Sometimes I think I should just put her in a big plastic bag and cinch it around her neck so just her head is sticking out, then she can go as much as she wants for at least a couple days before anybody had to do anything about it. Oh yeah, I found out what a Brazilian wax is. It looks pretty good on my sister but my mom still looks like she has a bear cub in a scissor lock. Now I know what dad means when he says it's like "Bigfoot's Catchers Mitt".

OK, I'm sure you don't care about my trip to Carson, so on to business...

I opened a new western union account in Carson and deposited $2050.00. The slight problem is that they have restrictions on new accounts in Carson that go back to the prospector days. Because it's a new account and because I want to send a large amount of money overseas I have to get the account verified first and then they send the money right away. I asked do they do this at every western union? and he said no, just in Carson City. Then the guy told me this is because a lot of prospectors were striking it rich in Carson and some of them would try to buy a wife from a catalog of foreign ladies and they would send the money overseas by western union and she would never show up so they made this rule. Dumb prospectors. He said that most of these catalogs came from Belgium. So I said Belgium? I'm not trying to order a wife from someone in Africa, pal, I'm sending money to my friend in Europe.

I made sure that I said I was sending money to a friend, just like you said to.

Well, to make a long story short he said to send you the money the account has to be activated first. So I gave him the money and your name and your information and he put it on hold in an account and told me that the person I'm sending the money to (Jennifer Peters) must send one dollar to that account and that will activate it and the money will be sent according to the information that you gave me, immediately. I think the thing about the ladies and the prospectors is just a bunch of bull. I think maybe he thought I was a terrorist or something, he kept looking up at my head until I said hey buddy, it's not a turban it's a bandage, OK? You'd think the guy had never seen a head injury before. So to get the money send one dollar or whatever you use in Dutch money (no wooden shoes, please!) that equals a dollar to:

Matt O'Manurdum
Carson City, NV
USA

(the NV stands for Nevada)

And as sure as your name is Jennifer Peters, the $2050.00 will get sent to you by the western union in Carson City by computer.

I tell you Jennifer I can't wait for when we close this deal and I'm on one of those scooters.

Does the Fenderlight have a Hemi or a slant six? you didn't tell me in your last email.

My address to send the scooters to is:

Matt O'Manurdum
411 Brokenburro Ln.
Rhyolite, NV
89003
USA

If you are ever in Rhyolite stop in and visit your (my) scooters!!!

Thanks for the great Deal,
Matt


__________________________________________________________________
From: Jennifer Peters

Dear Matt,
Thank you for your e-mail. I don't think of you as a bad person I understand you very well because I have to take care of my grandma and I understand you very well what you are saying. I am sorry that you had such a long trip and that you had troubles at western union. Please try to explain to me again what happened there. For me to check the transfer I will need the all the exact informations that you used (sender's and receiver's name and the MTCN). I hope that everything will work out. I will wait your e-mail as soon as possible.
Best regards,
Jennifer

P.S. I almost forgot the engine is the fabled Hemi Tripower.
_________________________________________________________________

From: Matt O'Manurdum

Hi Jay-P,

Look, you need to send one dollar through western union like this:

Sender: Jennifer Peters

Receiver: Matt O'Manurdum, Carson City, Nevada (NV)

And this will tell western union you are o.k. and then they will release the money I gave them to you and you will find it in a search on the web site under this:

Receiver's Name: Jennifer Peters

Sender's Name: Matt O'Manurdum

There is no MTCN number yet because nothing has been sent yet, they are holding the money waiting for you to send the dollar.

It's up to you now, please send the dollar and I will be happy.

Please Jennifer, I just want to be happy once in my life. I think I have scurvy.

Thank You and have a nice day,
Simon

______________________________________________________________________
From: Jennifer Peters

Dear Matt,
I send one dollar today and nothing came to me. Do you have everthing right with western union? Please email asap to close this deal.
Best regards,
Jennifer
___________________________________________________________________________

From: Matt O'Manurdum

THANKS FOR THE BUCK YOU STUPID FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

because, I needed a laugh today

and mayby some of you do, too

[Mk3]

I did indeed need a laugh, and you delivered. Thanks a buck.