UTMC

i've been drinking lately. i often say that i don't drink enough for all the shit i'm being put through on any given day. mostly i don't drink at all. months on end and no desire for anything. but lately...

i don't have to be the only responsible human being in the house anymore. the kids are all adults and i can now drown my sorrows, instead of just stuffing them down inside me. i've drunk almost an entire bottle of wine this evening. and i've enjoyed it. every drop. this is completely unprecedented.

there are so many mixed feelings. not about a specific person, mind you. it's just been unbearable. life. all this fucking time. not a single day of peace. and now i no longer have to be the most responsible human being on earth for my kids.

things may spiral out of control now. but the funny thing is that it no longer matters. not at all.

i don't know what this is. it just may be freedom, and i just might be unprepared for it.


if i should disappear, you all are awesome folks. just sayin'.

oh well, I've been fucking it all most of the evenings for some time now, you have the right to. As long as the next morning you know why your head hurts and go back digging in the mine until the evening, when you can fukitall again . It can be a very long tunnel of shit digging sometime. There's not so much to gain to be made by not trying any harder after all the effort you already put as far as I know.

You've noticed you're actually drinking more, and instead of rationalizing why it's not a problem, you are concerned about it and treat it like a problem.
So, allow me to tell you, it's probably not a problem. Even if it is one, it doesn't strike me as serious. Serious problems are the ones you tell yourself you're not having, or tell yourselves are so insurmountable, any attempt at addressing them would be futile. Evidently, neither of which is the case.

So, sit back, chillax. If you've got some free time and actual freedom, enjoy it. Judging by what I have learned about you over the last few years, I'd bet you'll find something else to keep you occupied and all of that quickly enough. You'll be back running around with your hair on fire, I'm sure.

I love having older kids. Our youngest just graduated high school.
I am drinking as I type this. No shame Sunny, take a break.

thanks. another cheap bottle of wine, here.

i have one BA (in russian) and i won't be able to finish the BA in french. i'm taking 5 classes this semester, and while i am almost certain i can "pass" all of them, my gpa won't be pretty. i need to take two more classes after this semester to get that BA in french but the funds are not there. part of me wants to just put on my boots and helmet and just bail. now. the stress is just wrecking me.

i love that my kids are all grown up. i hate that i had to sacrifice my very being to make that happen.

i have serious advice for all of you with daughters. very very serious.

1. do not let them marry before they are 25. LET them shack up. tell them it is easier to kick a douchbag to the curb if they don't have to drag his sorry ass through divorce court.

2. the same goes for having kids. kids don't fix a broken relationship. kids are not a reason for living.

3. let them go to college to study what they are good at. if it is something "useless" they will hate you to the end of their days for not encouraging them at least minor in it. OR they will hate themselves for being the good daughter and obeying you if you don't let them follow their "impossible" dreams.

4. love them for who they are and not who you want them to be.

i was a musician once. i wanted to study music. i got married to the first guy that asked me because my family would not let that happen. i have a bunch of wonderful kids, but i will never be able to be the person i was supposed to be.

i'm drunk off my ass now, but i swear i will be courageous and not edit this tomorrow.

2a. having kids is not a substitute for love from someone who should love and respect you..

5. always eat before you drink.

::crawls off to bed with numb everything::

6. install a breathalyser on your keyboard just in case

If you want to play sailor at night, you have to be able to play sailor in the morning.

it's an apparent genetic glitch, or maybe the result of being the product of multiple converging lines of true alcoholics, but i never get hungover.

i feel sorry for those that do.

I definitely don't get them like I used to, thank god. But let me tell everyone reading this this: The warning on the acetaminophen bottle, about 3 drinks and not taking that shit-- Absolutely fucking 100% true. I nearly killed myself accidentally.

spring break meltdown and general fuckedupness over. countdown resumes: 2 weeks till homelessness (or cheap conversion van), 2 months till summer.

time to go back to the grind.


and salicylic acid is THE way to go.

sun rat wrote:Lysergic acid is THE way to go.

Fixed.

Don't let the bastards keep you down.

/RM

Son is finishing year one in college, daughter is getting ready to go for first year. The band is picking up gigs, my son & I are in the writing stages for a concept album based on life through my Grandma's eyes which we will record in our home studio that I finished this winter. The house is almost paid off, even though I have no illusions of retirement due to two home businesses sprouting up with friends. A new Sangha sprouted up 20 minutes from my door, and the people seem cool. This year is gonna kick ass.

Solstice this year will be spent with my son in Toronto moshing to Coheed & Cambria.
My birthday is in eight days. Life truly begins at 47.

so, a week of wine, chocolates, coffee, and whatever else would fit in my stomach after all that. watched dvds all day in my pajamas too.

lost 3 pounds.

i think i actually have the motivation to continue this diet.

sun rat wrote:so, a week of wine, chocolates, coffee, and whatever else would fit in my stomach after all that. watched dvds all day in my pajamas too.

lost 3 pounds.

this is fucking not fair.

don't get all mad just yet. lets see if i can get down to my pre-asthmatic bronchitis weight of a year ago on this "diet".
that would be another 15 pounds. steroids are a cruel bitch.

i was a musician once. i wanted to study music. i got married to the first guy that asked me because my family would not let that happen. i have a bunch of wonderful kids, but i will never be able to be the person i was supposed to be.

Rench and I have an old friend with a great quote for this "from the day you are born you already don't have enough time to be all of the [wo]men you want to be"

My input--bullshit. you are exactly the person you are supposed to be. My family has a motto, my ex wife hates it, "shouldna been standin there". Funny when you think about it, tantamount to everything you've got as a free thinking individual is somehow related to the choices you've made; i.e. your fault. Don't regret them, get up off your ass and make more. If you cock those up too, keep making choices till you get it right or die. I understand everything goes on old for the kids. THAT was one HELL of a choice to make. I'd submit that you made the right one. You'd hate your whole existence if you had chosen yourself.

Now I've got to walk back to a broke down harley, and you need to learn more funny talk. Get the hell out of here.

sun rat wrote:
i have serious advice for all of you with daughters. very very serious.

1. do not let them marry before they are 25. LET them shack up. tell them it is easier to kick a douchbag to the curb if they don't have to drag his sorry ass through divorce court.

2. the same goes for having kids. kids don't fix a broken relationship. kids are not a reason for living.

3. let them go to college to study what they are good at. if it is something "useless" they will hate you to the end of their days for not encouraging them at least minor in it. OR they will hate themselves for being the good daughter and obeying you if you don't let them follow their "impossible" dreams.

4. love them for who they are and not who you want them to be.

I've got two little girls, and am already freaking out at times. Love #1, with the coda of me being happy to pay for their birth control if necessary. #2, certainly agree, but get life insurance. #3, Pay for your own damn college and do what you will. My girls will have to, as Mom's loans won't be paid until the girls are in their 30's. #4, agree, but you may have to do it from a distance.