It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

[beck]

So, as I have mentioned previously, I just celebrated the birth of my first child. My incredibly gorgeous, absolutely perfect daughter Alyce Marie Barnes. You might notice that my name is beck, such is my last name. But Beck, if your name is this, why is hers different?

Welp... an hour after the very best moment in my life to date, I was holding my daughter while the fiancee was passed out in the bed, i wasnt spying on her, but her phone lit up with a text... from another guy... telling her he loved her and couldnt wait to be with her again... WOW. I thought this girl i have been with for almost 2 years, and engaged to for a couple weeks short of a year, was dedicated to starting a nice nuclear family with the life we created together. As it turns out, she has cheated on me already before, and was actively "verbally cheating" to coin a term. In the matter of a weekend, I went from a very proud soon to be dad to a depressed, tattered wreck.

I will get better. This much i know for sure. i am not one to succumb to ill treatment by others, and i have already overcome serious depression and suicidal tendencies several years ago. i will never sink quite that low again. It just kinda sucks for a couple reasons. the first being that i have put my entire life aside for this woman. i supported her physically, emotionally, and monetarily, as any good man is more than willing to do. and now it looks like she just wanted my money and my baby juice. which she got both of. leaving me in a gigantic pile of debt with a clear source that wasn't my own doing.

And THAT is the least of my worries. When Alyce was born, i was the happiest person you've ever met. i instantly changed inside. I made a life. i felt, and still feel, a sense of purpose and direction to my life that i've never known. and now i get to see the soul occupant of my heart and soul once a week because her mom moved back to hutch an hour away from me to live with her parents.

I'm not looking for pity, i'm not looking for sympathy, it just feels better to get it out in the open and talk to people about it. Right now i'm doing whatever it takes to stay sane, which is proving possible but difficult. any encouraging words ARE welcomed however, and if you've been through something similar i will greedily devour any advice on what my next steps should be. call me selfish, but i dont want my little girl raised in an environment lacking proper morals and kindness. i want custody, if not full, at least majority. too bad the state of Kansas very very rarely awards that to the dad except in the most extreme cases of physical abuse.

[guitargeek]

JEEEEEEEZUS!!

The only advice I can give is what's worked for me: Never marry, don't have any kids.

Individual results may vary.

[Pintgudge]

she's a cute little peanut!

I will be a hard job, but a good thing for both you and the little girl if you can teach her how to deal with this kind of thing that life insists on throwing at us.

[beck]

like the old saying says.... when it rains, it pours... boiling sulfuric acid down my throat and into my eyes... or something like that. might be a mis-quote. a large priority of mine is to try and get things sorted out before her memory really starts to kick in. If the ex plays nice and fair things won't get ugly.

GG... little late for that advice and theres really no way to regret my actions, since i absolutely don't. i may regret how it worked out in the end, but i was still blessed with a healthy ten toed ten fingered baby girl. i am incapable of imagining not having her.

[GeekGrl]

Congratulations on a beautiful, healthy daughter! The bond and joy you have in her now will only become more as you spend time with her, as you see the first smile, hear the first laugh. Hold onto that, no matter what. Let her be your guide, and make your decisions based on what will be best for her.

As for how the mother has treated you, that is bullshit, and you have my sympathy. Despite how recent a heartbreak it is, you seem to be approaching it in about as good a way as possible. Keep doing that. Your daughter needs you to be strong, capable, present, loving, forgiving, and consistent.

You are going to need to go to court to establish a custody arrangement. Best case, if you can maintain a civil relationship with the mother and both have your daughter's best interests in mind, is you come up with a Parenting Plan (what most states used to call a Custody Agreement) together, with or without the help of attorneys, and have it ratified by the court. This is the best, simplest, and least expensive way to go about it -- but it does require that you are able to work out a Parenting Plan with the mother that you can both agree to. Bear in mind, however, that it will HAVE TO include a stipulation for Child Support.

Things will be a lot smoother and quicker if you are on the birth certificate. If for some reason you are not listed on the birth certificate, things will be more difficult and more costly, because you will need to establish paternity.

Talk to a family law attorney NOW. There are things you can/should be doing now that will help you if you need to petition the court for custody (i.e., if you are unable to agree on a Parenting Plan or if she violates the plan you come up with). SUCH AS: establishing your involvement with and support of your daughter physically, emotionally, and financially. Document your visits to your daughter (photos), keep receipts for things you buy your daughter (clothes, formula, diapers, etc.), write checks to the mother if you're giving her money (don't give her cash). And talk to an attorney NOW -- even if you think you can/want to try to work out a Parenting Plan with the mother outside the court, you need the advice of an attorney to know if that is the best course for your situation, and if there are any statutes, laws, or deadlines you need to be aware of.

Good luck on continuing to be involved in your daughter's life ... it is a goal not every father shares, and you are applauded for being one who DOES want to be part of his child's life.

[JoJoLesh]

Wow! But I love the attitude you have chosen to take. Still, I think you are going to need to ride the heck out of your motorcycle this summer.

[DerGolgo]

Whoohoo! Your daughter is adorable!

The whole rest is a mountain-range of suck.
But what the others said. You've got an admirable attitude about it. Others would be jackoffs about it and walk away from their daughter to punish the mother. You've chosen to stick by your daughter, I can only applaud you and wish you the best.

[thack]

Seconding GeekGrl.

GET A LAWYER NOW. GET OFF THE INTERNET, STOP POSTING AND GET A LAWYER.

also, that baby is adorable. mine are bigger now, but i remember when they were still cute.
and sorry. people suck.

[Jaeger]

Wow, not sure where to start on this one...

First, congratulations on getting the baseball bat to the head that is parenthood/fatherhood! She's absolutely adorable! I know exactly what you mean about being "changed inside," and even now, nearly 3 years later, I still get that warm fuzzy glow when I look at my kids.

As for the rest... while I'm more than happy to offer words of encouragement, the folks who said you ought to get a lawyer and keep a low profile on this are probably right.

That said, what you describe is unspeakably shitty. Just don't let that mess with the love you have for your daughter. (Sounds like you won't, just be careful. )

--Jaeger

[MATPOC]

Congrats on the baby, that is something special!

Now on to business, I have watched some nasty divorces unfold and the guy never ends up having primary placement of child and paying for everything, so yeah document everything (does she know that you know?) and prepare for the shitstorm

If your GF such a tool that she had cheated on you it may be worthwhile to see how deep it goes...

[beck]

She knows. I approached her about it and she admitted to fucking around on me and talking to this other douche as well. We are officially separated now, and talking out visitation and support. Once we peacefully agree on terms i will approach her to take all our agreements to a lawyer to have something drawn up saying this this this etc. so its in black and white legal speak. i will agree with partial custody for now, and pursue full custody down the road once i get proof of several other things i suspect happened to my overly trusting dumb-ass.

I just want to spend time with my daughter... is that really so much to ask? Some women give the rest of them a bad name, and it seems like i've dated a good number of those.

[Bo_9]

Man! Congrats on that awesome baby girl!

The rest of that pile of suck is awful.

I've seen similar crap-storms unfold from the outside with several of my friends over the last couple decades. One thing that seems constant in the four I've watched was lawyer early, lawyer often. Especially if you are going to pursue full custody. It seems that in Kansas that is very hard to pull off, but is possible if you can prove the mother unfit. It's a tall order and one of my friends couldn't even get his ex declared unfit while she was in rehab for meth. He eventually got it but it took the ex getting a DUI with his boy in the car seat behind her.

[GeekGrl]

She knows. I approached her about it and she admitted to fucking around on me and talking to this other douche as well. We are officially separated now, and talking out visitation and support. Once we peacefully agree on terms i will approach her to take all our agreements to a lawyer to have something drawn up saying this this this etc. so its in black and white legal speak. i will agree with partial custody for now, and pursue full custody down the road once i get proof of several other things i suspect happened to my overly trusting dumb-ass.

I just want to spend time with my daughter... is that really so much to ask? Some women give the rest of them a bad name, and it seems like i've dated a good number of those.

GO TALK TO A LAYWER NOW! You need to talk to a lawyer BEFORE you work out your own custody arrangements.

Why? Because a Parenting Plan covers waaaaaaaay more than who she's with on what weekend (i.e., religion, whose health plan she's on, who pays for school, where she can live, if she can be taken out of the state, how long/how much support, etc.). Although it will be best if you two can work out the Parenting Plan together (rather than the court deciding it for you), you still need to know WHAT it needs to cover and what statutes/laws are in play. There's no point working something out blind then going to a lawyer and discovering that you have to start over. There is likely some kind of form or outline or somewuch available that will give you some guidance, but talking to a lawyer NOW is absolutely critical. It will also likely be CHEAPER to talk to a lawyer FIRST, so you know what you need to work out with the mother, you know what forms/format to put the Parenting Plan in, you know up front what you need to be doing.

Also, be careful about being willing to accept partial custody now with the thought you will pursue full custody later. The longer you wait, the harder it may be to get it. Again, a family law attorney will be able to advise you on your best course to achieve maximum custody/involvement.

[Bigshankhank]

Congratulations. Ok, now that's done.

Listen to GeekGrl, and get a lawyer immediately. Seriously, don't expect ANYTHING you arrange outside a court of law to hold up when you get to said court.

On a somewhat delicate topic, are you absolutely certain that the child is biologically yours? Please don't take this to mean that, if not, you can simply walk away from a helpless fragile child, but if you have any doubt that it may not have been your "baby juice" then you need to establish that fact. Maybe this isn't a concern, but at this point how willing are you to trust anything the mother is telling you?

You have my sympathies, I wouldn't put my worst enemies through family court, but for the love of your child it is the right thing to do. If you have a heart, be prepared to cry your eyes out on more than a few occasions.

[DerGolgo]

GO TALK TO A LAYWER NOW! You need to talk to a lawyer BEFORE you work out your own custody arrangements.

Why? Because a Parenting Plan covers waaaaaaaay more than who she's with on what weekend (i.e., religion, whose health plan she's on, who pays for school, where she can live, if she can be taken out of the state, how long/how much support, etc.). Although it will be best if you two can work out the Parenting Plan together (rather than the court deciding it for you), you still need to know WHAT it needs to cover and what statutes/laws are in play. There's no point working something out blind then going to a lawyer and discovering that you have to start over. There is likely some kind of form or outline or somewuch available that will give you some guidance, but talking to a lawyer NOW is absolutely critical. It will also likely be CHEAPER to talk to a lawyer FIRST, so you know what you need to work out with the mother, you know what forms/format to put the Parenting Plan in, you know up front what you need to be doing.

Also, be careful about being willing to accept partial custody now with the thought you will pursue full custody later. The longer you wait, the harder it may be to get it. Again, a family law attorney will be able to advise you on your best course to achieve maximum custody/involvement.

Listen to what the smart lady says.

[Mk3]

Brother Beck,

Today marks the one year anniversary of my divorce. I physically caught my wife of 10 years sleeping with another man upon my return from DOOM and the rest is history. mk3 mod Q is my son. He's in my custody 51% of the time. That was not easy,and as geekgrl has pointed out decisive action is a paramount. I'd suggest looking up parenting plans to get an idea of what you are in for.

nearly Bottom line: You have every bit as much right to that child as the philanderous harlot that sprung her. Gender has no place in the decision for the best interest of the child.

In 5 days I will take my son on his first real motorcycle ride. He can't wait, I can't wait, and it has been worth every tribulation. He's sleeping peaceably in his bed right now, in our home, likely dreaming of his upcoming two wheeled adventure to daycare (a harrowing 8 miles on a straight 35mph road); unsurprisingly the wicked witch of oz is off making hideous human/kangaroo hybrids.

Last note, I'm one state down, and you my friend need a drink bought for you. Let me know if it works better to ride down here or for me to come up to you; though we do have more casinos and the bars are open till 0600...just sayin.



THIS is the BOTTOMLINE...this one....right here...you're lookin at it.

[goose]

That's a serious bag of dicks. Still, you get to spend the rest of your life raising your beautiful daughter. Yes, her mom will be in her life. Best to make peace with that. Move on from the ex, accept that she will continue to have rights and influence in your daughter's life and be the best damn dad you can be. Usually requires the epic difficulty of letting go of the shitty things the ex did and finding ways to cooperate in the best interests of your child. Sux man, but it has a silver lining!

[beck]

Thanks for all the kind words and advice guys/gals. It has been a very trying couple of weeks, but exactly what goose said, emotionally, i'm already over my ex, now its just about my daughter. Theres no way i can regret what happened, because the silver lining is that i now have a life other than mine to care for. and i will.

It's not in my power to change her mom into a good person, but it IS however, in my power to raise my girl to know the difference between whats right and wrong in this world. I cant make her mom be a moral person, or trustworthy, or fair. but i CAN teach my daughter that a good person does not act that way, and do the best i can to add a great person to society instead of most of what we see these days.

The only thing getting me through all this is friends and family. So i thank you guys honestly, from the bottom of my heart. My ex-fiancee may not care about me, but for some reason a group of random people spread all around the country, and in fact the world do. A lot of you i've met only once, some of you i have never met, but still this place has always been great at giving a person a sense of community and hope for our poor doomed earth. We're immature, we're vulgar, some of us are assholes, and some are just plain dicks, but damnit, at the core we're good people.

[Mk3]

Since I may have just poured Beck Cheerios only to then piss in them I will put my stupid out to the masses for reconciliation (re abuse)

I don't know the difference between Kansas and AR-Kansas---because I'm a fucking idiot.

That is all.

[DerGolgo]

^^
And you handle missiles for a living, right? Just checking ...

[Sisyphus]

How well do you know yourself? Do you think you can sort this out realistically or are you eventually going to hold it against her and use that to justify ditching her later on down the road?

Know thyself, that's all I can say.

I learned the hard way, it did not end well.

[Rench]

Don't even know where to start, but my expert referral was going to be to MK3.

My own dislike of babies is pretty well known, but you're much more, well, human than me. If you're enjoying this part, good for you, run with it. I can promise you in another 18 months or so, it will be mind-blowingly awesome. You are going to enjoy the hell out of that. It will be worth the suck that has been foisted on you.

Pm sent.

-Rench

[Jaeger]

: If you're enjoying this part, good for you, run with it. I can promise you in another 18 months or so, it will be mind-blowingly awesome. You are going to enjoy the hell out of that. It will be worth the suck that has been foisted on you.

+1

Once they get past the larval phase it's much more interesting. More complicated, yes, but more interesting and a helluva lot more fun. (So far, anyway.)

--Jaeger