Dealing with it.

[Bo_9]

Next Friday will be a year since my Dad could no longer live with his cancer. People try to say he "lost his battle", but there was no fight. The cancer always wins. You may get it on the ropes but it will come back in the next round.
Not really dealing with it well this week and feeling rather dark. I'm still sorting out stuff (tools, parts, piles of lawnmowers) a year later. It seems a never-ending task.
I'm trying to divert myself with diet and exercise since even if that doesn't work I'll still be watching calories and exercising. I think I'll also redouble my efforts to sell off the stuff of dad's that I know I'll never use or restore instead of staring at it any longer.

Curious how others deal with stuff, not necessarily loss of loved ones but loss, massive stresses, personal failures, etc.

[DerGolgo]

Apart from anti-depressants, the only thing I think I've noticed is that I care even less about little irritations than I did before.
I just refuse to let little things not working, not finding what I'm looking for, somebody acting like a dickhead, upset me at all. I notice, sometimes, I have the impulse to get upset about something. But then I just move along. I have enough shit in my life to deal with, I don't need the little crap to take up time and energy I could devote to what nice things there are.
I don't know if that helps.
I can't distract myself much from what happened. I can distract myself from things that make me happy, though, which is done with things that make me not-happy. So I avoid that particular distraction.

[calamari kid]

Lost my dad to suicide when I was eight. I've struggled with depression off and on most of my life, and have something of a toolkit that gets me through the darker stretches. The most effective is to hang out with a small core group of friends, or with my dad's side of the family. It doesn't take much, an evening sitting around the bbq or campfire drinking beer and swapping lies. Reminds me that I've got good people in my life who I love, and who love me regardless of my failings. No matter how dark my mood, I always feel better afterwards. The family sharing stories of my dad can be particularly cathartic. We're all in it together.

Another thing I'll use is distraction, like your diet and exercise. I'll take a couple day ride into the hinterlands, pick up a nice thick book, binge watch Band of Brothers, pick up a new pc/console game, or dive into a project. Working to sort through your dad' stuff might be just the thing, a good sized project where you can force yourself to focus on organizing and dealing with the details. Might give a sense of dealing with an aspect of the pain, moving through it.

My mantra in the dark is "Keep the feet moving." No matter how deep the hole, you'll always come out eventually, and it has gotten easier over the years.

If you've got the coverage or resources to make it an option, don't be afraid to seek pro help. Situational depression is a treatable thing. I saw a few therapists of varying stripes in my younger years and they helped more often than not. Also, if you do so, don't be afraid to drop one and try another if it isn't working out. Some you can connect with, some you can't, just the nature of it.

Take care, you're not alone.

[xtian]

my 0.2c is don't sell or give away too quickly what you kept from him. One day when the wound starts to heal (because it always sort of do with time) you might regret that everything is gone but the memory. Just last night I was dreaming that I was roadtripping with my parents, and when I woke up, it took me some time to think about which one of them was still alive before I realized they're both dead.

[Bo_9]

Most of the stuff to go through has just been sitting for a year. I started going through tubs full of tools last night and it's going to be a long job. He was a professional mechanic since the late 50's and never sold off anything but his large frame tools. Oddest thing we've found in storage so far is two 50Gallon poly barrels full (yes full) of cameras. Brownies, Instamatics, bellows Polaroids complete with film. I gave a cousin a basket case CL450 scrambler that was in storage and was thinking about selling the CB450 until my son started asking about what we could make out of it. I hauled more bikes to storage which gives me space to walk around the piles in the shop which helps lessen the seeming enormity of stuff to deal with. Spent some time just being out in the shop tinkering with the Dakar highlights (yes, I'm that behind) playing on the computer which I haven't really done for a year. That used to be part of the daily routine. Getting back to what was routing will probably be a help too so I'm going to try to spend at least an hour in the shop instead of watching tube every evening.

[guitargeek]

Two years, two weeks since my dad died.

Last 4th of July, I threw a party.
Friends gathered for meat & beer, we drank to Dad's memory.
Stiles was here, he managed the larger pyrotechnics.

This year was a much more sedate affair, mostly due to poverty.
But my stepbrother and I still drank to Dad.

Earlier this year, my niece finally convinced me to clean out the workshop. We pulled a ton of scrap lumber out of there, I moved shelves around, opened up a lot of space. The building actually shifted a little.

At some point in the last couple years, my asshole brother stopped by unannounced and dumped the fat folder of paperwork on me, told me he was no longer interested in being executor of Dad's estate. He couldn't figure out a way to turn a profit from the venture, and so deemed it unworthy of his time. At some point, I'm going to have to go through the probate process, but that's going to take more money than I have.

So how do I deal? I've learned to not talk about Dad, or how much I miss him, when I drink whiskey.
Nobody wants to watch me pull a Boehner.

[guitargeek]

This may help you, it's been some assistance to me, but more something to aspire to than something easily implemented.

[Bo_9]

Yeah, that graphic pretty much sums it up. I just did a major shop "remodel" just before Dad passed. Insulation in the walls, new pegboard and wallboard. White paint to brighten it all up. Then I absorbed twice as much shop equipment as I had before. If I can get dad's house to sell I'll be able to build a decent storage building on our empty lot to alleviate the overcrowding and shed the last of the recurring bills he had which are for storage. I'm maintaining those storage units simply because there are things in there me or my brother want to keep but have no place for them. Owning more on-site storage will solve that problem.

[GOSTAZ]

It is fortuitous, I guess, that you mention this. I lost my Dad in February of this year. I come from a stoic, southern baptist, "don't sweat it, they are in Heaven" type of family. I guess the thing I still struggle with is that while I am glad Dad isn't suffering, it bites butt that he isn't "here". I guess having my Dad around made me feel like less of a freak. We agreed on a lot of things, most famous, a love of simplicity.

But I just got home from the farm. I had benn messing around with shit to block a groundhog hole for my Mom in her garden.. Having lived many moons on the same planet with Dad, it usually makes sense to me where he puts things. But I was having trouble finding stuff, so I spent a LOT of time amongst his tools and stuff. My dad's garage and toolboxes have a particular smell. Him. I was chilling the whole time I was working with Mom. It is nice to mess in the dirt, fart around with tractors, make things work and solve problems. In my day to day "work" life, I spend a lot of time explaining to supposedly smart people that they forgot a step, or ordered the wrong shit, or are really bookish fucktards..... so it was really weird, when driving home, I was hit BIG time with melancholia. Dangerous shit for me. It starts out with the normal human shit, and then almost with the flick of a switch, I am holed up staring down the barrel of a gun, or counting pills. (Gozzy can't handle the depression right) So, as with many other issues, I started to look for the trigger. Well, that was pretty fucking simple, my Dad died. He is gone. I cannot hang out with him anymore. And oh yeah, bonus! There ain't shit I can do about it.

But wait.... there is some shit I can do about it. My Dad loved simple. And the simple thing I can do? Be grateful and happy for the stuff he taught me, and for having a Dad who, while strict, didn't add a lot of drama to my life. I started thinking about the cool things about him, and I remembered when his Dad passed, and something he said. "I can only do that for so long..." He was talking about being around his Dad's stuff. And now I understand why... it is like they are still here for a bit, and then, "poof" reality comes back.. and you realize again, oops, they ain't coming back... That shift is what fucks me up.

My Mom and I talked about it. We might not do some things for a little while, just because we aren't ready. We have decided that every time we miss Dad? We will call each other or write each other a funny story of a remembrance about him. I think that may help. But damn, bro, it has only been a few months and this is not an easy process.... My Dad didn't die of cancer, but arthritis and heart stuff.... It sucked to watch a guy I thought could do anything succumb to a relentless enemy. But as he said? Let the rough side drag... (redneck for just roll with it, even without answer...)

Anyhoo... I don't know if any of this helped, but I hope so. Karma, goodwill, all that stuff seem to help with pain of loss... Hang in there...

[Bo_9]

I completely understand where you are at. The depression that immediately follows dealing with, sorting through, or organizing all the "stuff" is probably the big reason I haven't been aggressively getting rid of the things I know we will never use, or really gotten his house sold. Getting stuff ready and sorted means touching it, remembering it, etc and at about six months after I had hit my limit. Now another six months out I finally sorted six full tubs of loose tools that had been in the corner of my shop. Now they are still in six tubs but now its a tub of wrenches, one of sockets/ratchets, one of piers and channel locks, etc. I actually felt better last night after I got done. First time I have actually felt better after going through any of his stuff. But this morning the melancholia as you put it was back but I think it is just due to coming up on the anniversary. I'm also putting the first stuff up for sale on craigs today or tomorrow. A couple of aluminum boat hulls on trailers. They were projects when he bought them and now over ten years later not much has changed but their location. This is one of the biggest issues I have. The unfinished projects. It somehow feels wrong to just let them go and I feel compelled to finish them, but we really wouldn't use any of the completed things. We are committed to keeping one car that is not done and maybe the old wheel horse mower. But the false feeling of being obligated to see the rest of his projects through really weighs on me for some reason. Initially it pushed me to finish a few outstanding projects I had sitting around, so hopefully it will eventually just be a reminder to keep focused so as not to leave a vast array of unfinished stuff around when I'm gone.

[Mk3]

Wow, a 5S model for grief, not disagreeing, but didn't see that coming from east goatfuck.

Is anonymous promiscuity an option? Or gambling, possibly while drinking? Seriously, get a good ride in, some quality helmet time is good for the everything. Some people call them vices, I call them coping mechanisms. As long as you can stop, or have a friend to stop you at the brink, purge with vice.

[Bo_9]

Is anonymous promiscuity an option? Or gambling, possibly while drinking? Seriously, get a good ride in, some quality helmet time is good for the everything. Some people call them vices, I call them coping mechanisms. As long as you can stop, or have a friend to stop you at the brink, purge with vice.

Monogamy seriously cuts into the anonymous promiscuity options. Drinking is always an option!

[guitargeek]

Wow, a 5S model for grief, not disagreeing, but didn't see that coming from east goatfuck.

Wrenching on my motorcycle has been enormously therapeutic for me when dealing with loss.

[Bo_9]

Doing the Sort stage now so I can get enough space to start wrenching on bikes again. Now that hey have been sitting for too long there will be lots to do.

[Rabbit_Fighter]

Lost a lot of people in the last year and a half, and still reeling in it. The death of my brother was the hardest (unsurprisingly), but the deaths of close cousins and an aunt have been extremely hard as well. Much as the subsequent losses have hurt in their own right, they have really re-opened the wound of my brother's death. Haunts me daily.

One of the ways I have dealt with it, is by completely giving into it all, but in very short bursts. Usually in a car with music extremely loud, I let it all out. I sing, I weep, and then I return home extremely exhausted. After that, I'm usually able to focus and move on a bit better.

[guitargeek]

You're doing it right.

You getting any good mototherapy with the KZ since the fettling? I bet that motor feels groovy as hell right now!

[motorpsycho67]

I still haven't figured out how to deal with it....

I lost my mother at 9 and my father at 18. Not from death, but they stopped being a part of my life at that time. My father is still alive, but my mother passed in Dec. '99.


At least your dad was good to you when he was around. Mine, not so much... at least not once I became a teen.



Sorry to hear about your dad.

[motorpsycho67]

I still haven't figured out how to deal with it....

I lost my mother at 9 and my father at 18. Not from death, but they stopped being a part of my life at that time. My father is still alive, but my mother passed in Dec. '99.


At least your dad was good to you when he was around. Mine, not so much... at least not once I became a teen.



Sorry to hear about your dad.

[Bo_9]

Yeah, my dad was a good guy. We only ever really got into each others faces once around my junior year of HS. Never even said anything bad about my mom, his ex. Worst he ever said was "Your mom has her own ideas about things".

Went through and took mental inventory of the top half of one toolbox tonight and for the first time didn't almost (or totally) break down while doing it. Starting to see all this stuff as mine that I need to sort and liquidate what I don't need instead of dad's stuff I have to deal with. Embarrassed at the number of funky pliers and wrenches that I had to look up by part number to figure out WTF they were for. Found some stuff I'll have to get pics of and toss in the cool old things thread.

Almost have enough room to move bikes around which is good 'cause I chased the kids around the yard on the 640 and it's running like poo. Time to go through the carb, been sitting too long.

[JoJoLesh]

How do I cope? Not well lately, truth be told. I burn through relationships, and drink too much. Generally be a cantankerous pain in the ass. Not really a model to follow.

In about 5 weeks it will be the 2nd anniversary of Mom's passing. Cancer.
I'd never say cancer beat her. She remained true to herself all throughout the battle. To me, that's what the fight is about. Cancer will kill you, if that is to be the way of it. It will be painful, to you and those around you. Do you let that change who you are? Do you let it turn you bitter? That's how it wins, not by killing you, we all die, but by letting it have the power to change who you were.

[wheezy e]

Situational depression I don't know about too much, but i suspect that dealing with it would be similar to general depression, which I'm on intimate terms with. Exercise & healthy eating is crucial,, sounds like you keep that variable covered. Don't procrastinate on stuff that needs doing, don't focus on stuff that really can wait so much that you neglect what is needful. Moto, moto, moto. Whenever possible take the bike, whenever it gets really bad, take the bike where the cops aren't and push it enough that you have to focus only on the riding, get close enough to see where the edge is, look at the prospect of serious harm or worse - BUT do it while doing something that feels really good, invigorating. From time to time I have to remind myself that to live is always going to be a choice that requires intentionality - decicision and effort, and that still is a choice I WANT to make. You can't do it by default. Just getting out of bed, eating and doing what's required is trying to avoid the choice, which of course cannot be done. Time goes on & we find that we did, in fact choose-and we suffered or benefitted from it just the same. You won't stop feeling the loss, but don't let it create more loss in your life. You know that's the last thing your dad would want.

Of course all of this is so easy to say from outside. But I do think that what we choose to do when it's the hardest is when the choosing really matters. The harder it is, the greater the stakes are, probably. It's hard because that's how much it matters.

[goose]

edit

[goose]

edt more

[Bo_9]

You should have left that up, it was alright.

I know where you are coming from though.

[goose]

You should have left that up, it was alright.

I know where you are coming from though.

I was a bit too self-medicated to be allowed behind a keyboard.

[mtne]

Sorry I missed it.

I try not to pause to think about my mom too long as it's just a bit too sad. She totally missed out that we have a kid and it really sucks that he'll never get to know one hell of a lady. Been five years and I still get weepy.

[GOSTAZ]

Hey man, I hope things are heading in the right direction for ya. This shit ain't easy, but I would agree with the hippy from East Goatfuck that dicking with a bike can be a great way to lose yourself in something over which you might have some control. I will be a shitty mechanic until the day I die, but something about "giving it a shot" is always cathartic to me. I guess maybe in trying to fix my own shit? I honor my image of my Dad. Needed to build a barn? He would "give it a shot".

That is one thing that I thank my Dad for. He would "go for it" if he believed in it. And the results were usually pretty impressive. They may not have been perfect in everyone's sense of the word, but damn if instead of bitching about a problem, he would spin a wrench, drive a tractor, talk to a pro, whatever. He lived life and solved problems, and was pretty charming the whole time.

[rhinoviper]

I consider myself fortunate to not have had to suffer from such grief. The closest person to me that I lost was Dewey, but that doesn't come close to losing a parent or other family member. What I can offer comes from decades of dealing with depression. With that, I commend you for doing what has probably been the biggest helper to me, which is just reaching out to others, to let them know what you're dealing with, to ask for help/comfort/advice/company/whatever. Offering you virtual hugs and strength in dealing.

[Bo_9]

Got the county notice today for three Fieros that are sitting in some field a county away that Dad has been paying property taxes on for over a decade in hopes to build something out of them. All of these unfinished projects to deal with should spur me on to finish all the various things I have sitting around but it ends up just feeding the desperation of dealing with all the loose ends he left me. A lady ran my son and I off the road and totaled my old Beemer (cage) project so at least I can now re-focus on two-wheeled things, something I had lost interest in honestly for a time. At least insurance paid off unexpectedly well on the old car and didn't even want the (still drivable) car so I still have it to sell. Anyone want a '95 E36 convertible (318i)?
I'm trying to attack the rebuild of a recently acquired KTM LC4 engine to replace mine that is making a lott of noise (even for an LC4), along with head gasket for the CB550 and resurrecting the Fiero in local storage. It just seems like nothing is moving along easily or smoothly, it has taken almost two years to get actual ownership of an insurance policy on my brother that I was already named as contingent owner of before Dad passed, just got that confirmation letter today. Some of this crap is ridicules.

[MATPOC]

Re: LC4 noise

Just recently replaced Pattios Duke cam bearing, it sounded BAD and looked worse but surprisingly minor repair for such a big noise

Another common place to look is the bearing behind clutch basket, I'm sure Groove will be along shortly with repair links.