After all I had given my word as a gentleman, to a lady no less, that I'd "tell the Americans". And I suspect there may still be one or two here who do not frequent the Zuckerberg's terrible lair.
So I must.
I wrote:My dear American friends,
I was asked to tell you something.
Our tale begins with a young man of Persian extraction, not long in Germany and not entirely familiar with out language at that point. As these things happen, he broke the inner-tube of one of the tires on his bicycle. He needed a new one but, as yet not quite familiar with the language, he showed the broken tube to a friend and asked what it's called.
Un-empathic yet ever precise, as we Germans are, he informed the young man it's called "Gummi".
So, the young Persian man walked into a store and asked the lady cashier for a Gummi. Seeing the minuscule item she then produced, he was perplexed. This had to be the wrong size!
He was informed that, in fact, one size fits all.
For the colloquial "Gummi" will not just translate quite correctly to "Rubber" in the English, we Germans use the term in the same way the Americans do to the eternal consternation of any of her Majesty's subjects who need to fix a mistake made by pencil.
It was this confounding difference in nomenclature that had prompted a very charming British lady to regale me with the story of our hapless Persian.
Standing in two different grocery stores in two different towns, I had been introduced to her on the phone and we came to talk about the American national ethos.
Particularly, that your nation is apparently build on "Mom and apple-pie and all that". Or something of that nature.
The charming lady asked me to tell you ("the Americans...") that, no, your nation is NOT built on apple pie.
It's apple CAKE.
It's sweet, not savory. Pies have things like beans, mushrooms, steak and kidney or minced beef in them. Pies are savory.
The sweet stuff is cake.
She was very particular about that, and that you Americans needed to be told. Apple cake, not apple pie.
It may be round, like pie, but it is cake, she was sure.
As it is, before anyone devolves into a debate about authority in definition, about American superficiality vs. old-world obsessions with substance, or about old-world authoritarianism expressed through such substance talk vs. American honest egalitarianism taking things at face value, before this inevitable debate erupts, be assured:
I'm only passing this along. I don't care. I like cake. I like pie. One is the main course, the other for desert. Can't we all just eat along?